Marion's Story, Continued

Problems in VR

I've heard from other people, who've had other VR counselors, that it isn't always like that. Some counselors have seemed callous. They act like their clients don't know anything. They decide what the goals are for the consumer, instead of finding out what the consumer's goals are and seeing if that is a realistic plan or not.

I'm not saying all of them are that way, but there are still some like that. You know, it's simple things - like they don't return phone calls, they tell clients what services they will get instead of asking what they need - things that you would normally do out of respect for a person. But they don't seem to have that respect.

I know some people get to where they just don't want to work. They have their disability or whatever. They aren't going anywhere, but it doesn't bother them. And they just don't want a job. Fortunately, that was never an issue for me. I always wanted to do something. I mean, when I was depressed I felt helpless and hopeless, but there was still that desire to do something.

Living With Bi-Polar Depression

I try to learn about my disorder and how my body reacts. By now, I probably know as much about it as some of the experts - at least about my particular disorder. With some people, with the medication, they stay stabilized for years, never have any outbreaks. But I always have breakthrough depression every November. And sometimes I have mania in the summer. So I know those are coming and I'm prepared for them. And so is my doctor. I don't worry about that as much, since I can anticipate when they're going to happen. I just remember that I always get depressed right around Thanksgiving - that's when my depression comes. And so last Thanksgiving when it happened, Dr. DeMario tried something new and I was off the couch in a week. I usually will stay depressed for a month.

But I always worry about getting so sick that I'd have to go back in the hospital. It can take a lot of years to find which medications work for you and are going to do the job. It's trial and error. So I'm afraid of that and I know it could get worse as I get older. This is not going to get any better, you know.

I'll never leave this town because my doctor's here. If he left town, I don't know what I'd do. I'd just follow him because it's hard finding one you can work with and who knows the meds. I try not to dwell on it. I say to myself "DiMario'll get it. DiMario'll fix it. He'll catch it." We bump heads on what I should take and shouldn't take and sometimes he listens to me. And sometimes I'm wrong and he says, "I told you so." Then he fixes me.

My Family Today

My daughter, Susan, is fourteen and has just started junior high school. She wants to go to the University when she graduates. Her father is no longer in the picture and has no contact with us. I'm dating a man, Michael. He's been real good for me.

My natural family is very supportive and I know if I needed them they would do anything for me, but I also know they cannot handle knowing I have a mental illness. I have not directly disclosed to them. I started to once, and then I realized it is better to be selective. That's what's nice about having a hidden disability. My family did know that I was hospitalized for my suicide attempt, and they may have known the other two times when I was hospitalized to change medications.

Michael helped me get through the hospitalizations last year, and he remains real important in my life. He was willing to learn about the bi-polar disorder and it didn't scare him away. He had a lot of fun coming to visit me on the psych ward. He'd bring me my robe, tapes, fresh fruit, visit just like it was anyplace in the world. He took care of Susan.

Telling Friends and Family

I hate saying this, but it seems like to me that among families, there's this real stigma to mental illness. You don't have it, and if someone has it you don't talk about it. I had an uncle who confided in me that other family members were treated for depression in the past and some had problems but wouldn't seek treatment. But no one would talk about it. It sounds like my natural father had bi-polar disorder, treated for depression, and probably was abusive to my biological mother, that's probably why she left. So...but a lot of my family doesn't know.

I don't like having to explain things away. I don't want to keep secrets. I want people to think of my illness just like any other - like Diabetes or Heart Disease. This is what I have. My family didn't know what to make of me. When I first got sick, got divorced, lived in public housing, and I went to school everyday. I wore my backpack and walked to school - they just couldn't understand, they thought I was crazy. Nobody believed I was going to college. So when I got my Bachelor's and started working, finally they believed that I wasn't crazy. I earned their respect.

Now, with this all that's happened this last year, I've been kind of back on the bottom again. I don't know what they think of me now. I don't think they know what to think.

But, if Darren can help me finish up these last two courses, that's going to change a lot of things. I can get my Master's Degree and I'll be able to compete better for a job. I've got a better diagnosis now. I'm stabilized. I know a lot more about where to get help when I need it. I've got supports in my community, in my life. I'm not going to let that happen to me again. And, if I can, I'm going to keep it from happening to other people, too.

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