Karen

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Oh! I have trouble communicating sometimes and I'm real nervous - just so you know.

THE ACCIDENT

O.K. I was 14 and I was with my family in Arkansas. That was nine years ago. They had horses and they were letting us ride them bare back. We were taking turns riding this one particular one horse. It took off with me and bucked me off. I hit the left side of my head. It took my family and the ambulance a couple of hours to find me. There's a lot of land. I had to be med-evac-ed from the small town hospital to a large medical center in Fort Worth. The doctors and nurses told my parents that I would be dead by the next morning. I didn't die apparently. I was paralyzed on my right side, though, and I was unconcious and in a coma for 32 days.

I had... I had a real tough time with the nurses who felt sorry for me, pitied me. I couldn't stand them even touching me, and then ummm... I get lost. I really don't want to remember. I remember things that happened a long time ago great, but I guess my short term memory isn't so good. I carry my memory in this notebook. Everything I've got to remember each day I write it down in the book.

Three quarters of my brain is dead, atrophied (See Encyclopedia entry on TBI for a more accurate description of brain damage). So I had a real hard time. If someone bumped me or ran into me, I'd get so mad. I did real well when I came home from the hospital for the weekend. I was real good, but when I moved home - well! I became real violent. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I couldn't control my feelings. Imagine! Imagine your feeling magnified by 50. O.K. Things that don't bother anyone else, I would get so mad. Someone might pass something to me the wrong way at the table - I'd blow up. Nobody warned my Mom about this. It was really, really difficult. I became very violent, very violent. Hit things and people.

Where was I in this story? I get lost. I repeat the same thing over and over and over again. I have a letter around here from my Mom describing me...

I also developed a seizure disorder a year after my injury. They put me on Tegretol. I wasn't walking well either. I went to school the following fall, had problems, but I graduated from high school on time with my class. So... oh gosh, where was I?

LIFE AFTER THE ACCIDENT

My younger sisters had to move to my uncle's house so my mother could deal with me alone. I knew I would be just like I was before the accident. Of course this never happens. I could always put the bad things out of my mind by thinking of the way I would become. It was real hard for me to accept my loss.

I could walk up steps all right but couldn't go down well at all. I got angry about it one time and asked my Mom for help. See, I knew I was not disabled - I was NOT disabled. But my Mom said, if I wasn't disabled I could walk down the steps without help. And I couldn't walk down the steps. So then I knew - I was disabled and things weren't going to ever be like they were before the accident. That's when I finally realized I wasn't going to be the same.

When I would get upset and mad, my mom would make me walk around the farmland. I still walk 4-5 miles a day. It helps me get calm because I still get upset easy. Your temporal lobe acts to keep most normal people from constantly getting angry. Mine is damaged so I find myself too intense.

I don't like being around other people, especially crowds. I am different because of the brain damage and my personality is different. I used to be shy, but not now - no problem with that! I've got so much to say.

 GOING BACK TO SCHOOL

When I first went back to school they put me to work on 3rd grade level work even though I was in 8th. I went through five math books and five reading books, back to 8th grade level by the end of the year. I was in a resource room, with all sorts of kids who didn't do well in school. In 9th grade they put me in a... a... oh my, I'm so forgetful! I just can't remember. Had a lot of trouble in school with anger.

I just want to say now: you cannot feel sorry for head injured people. You just can't do it. It's the worst thing you can do. You feel sorry for us and we end up feeling sorry for us. It's not unfair, it's the way it is, and you have to start over. Work from where you are - don't feel sorry, that just gives you excuses to fail.

My mom didn't know what to do. She tells me a lot of things I did.

 FINDING SUPPORTS

I started to go to a head injury support group. At first I didn't want to go - you know, all those disabled folks. Then I enjoyed it. I saw people who got mad like I did and I wondered if that was how I seemed. I was short-tempered like that for a number of years. I also thought I was being followed, which I found was common with a lot of people with head injuries. I went to the group for almost eight years. I worried, I think because I didn't have a real life. Terribly paranoid.

When I first came home they sent me to a psychiatrist who gave me some kind of medication and gave me tests. I visited a few times. They made me a tape for relaxation. People with head injuries are looking for the opportunity to get mad. Not too much now. It is aggravating. I've got a lot of emotions.

I used to be right handed, but my accident slowed down my whole right side, basically. I had to learn to write with my left hand, then later I could do a little with my right again, then I forgot how to write with my left as I switched back. I'm just blessed that I have recovered as much as I have. I don't tell anyone that I had a head injury. It's my business. I know I get mad, but can't act out. Luckily I can't drive because of the seizure disorder, otherwise I'd have trouble keeping calm when I was driving.

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